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The Old Building 2 October 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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As she stares across the road, she sees the rubble — remnants of the rundown building that stood there on the now empty lot. She wonders what had become of the people who lived in it.

Out of habit, she takes her nightly coffee and cigarette on her front porch where she could witness, without meaning to, the lives of the building’s tenants.

Memories of an old couple coming down the street, burdened by bags of groceries, obviously had come from the supermarket a couple of blocks away.

A group of kids on their bikes. And a few others playing on the curb.

A single-mom going out on dates with a different man every couple of months, which seems to validate her initial thought about the woman — that she can’t hold on to a guy long enough or perhaps has been choosing the wrong men.

There was also this lady, who she hasn’t figured out whether if she was a spinster or a widow. She would often see her sitting quietly by the window, reading or watering her geraniums, always with Frank Sinatra or Judy Garland playing in the background.

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Kiarra’s Plea 3 June 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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1My Lord,

I come to you kneeling in eternity. I bear gifts and symphonies. Let it be a sweet aroma that surrounds your throne. Please turn your eyes and look upon me. Please do not hide your face from me.

I came and experienced you on earth without question. I came to you in wonder and joy. I embraced your entire being and I had become a light to your darkness. I came in a time that required my presence. And I saw and experienced your delight. I had chosen to be found. The gods favored me for out of all the angels in the heavens and the mortals of the earth, they had chosen me for you as you were chosen for me.

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Three Decades of a Recluse 18 May 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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A man in search of a dream bourne from a moment’s pain that has been echoing in his mind and heart all this time. His hope that he will reach the end and piece back together the remnants of dashed hopes arising from his waking up to an illusion.

After years of isolation, he faced a reflection or perhaps an opposite of his personality. A mysterious power that draws him toward something that goes beyond his understanding and control. Used to his ways of maintaining control over circumstances to save him from hurt or pain. A man can never be too careful, especially someone who vowed to never bend his principles. An event that requires a blind leap brings a certain unexplainable terror that prevents him from following through. The idea of copping out is far easier and logically feasible rather than staying and letting the mystery unfold.

He arrogantly concluded that he found out all he needs to know. A sign of cowardice, perhaps. However, little did he know that he’s merely reacting to something that scared him. Fears that are fruits of his past, which seemingly has a great hold on him. Confronting something that he cannot control, he chooses to let go. Resorting back to his old ways.

Is this a product of three decades of living a life as a recluse? Believing that he has learned all he needs to survive but refusing to acknowledge that there are still things that he needed to know in order to live. Years that he had spent getting to where he is now is never enough to equip him to make a sound decision in continuing on to the next level. His pre-conceived notions about life, people, love or romance, should be thrown out the window and let his mind be open to exceptions.

Life never works the way we think it would. It will eternally surprise and amaze us. And that’s a good thing. Having lived in a shell or not, that doesn’t change this fact, that much I’ve learned. And no matter how much we try to control our destiny, it is only in death will we find the freedom and wisdom of it all.

“IDT, ta vie telle que tu la connais est finie. Et ne revierdra jamais.. sasha”

If I die 4 May 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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If I die tonight
It should be said
How at my life’s end
I have left everything amiss
I lied
I disobeyed
I disrespected
How unfair that I’ve seen
A life so bleak
So gray
So plain
How much I hate where I stand
Wish myself dead
Unloved
Unappreciated
Now —
Condemned
My heart feels no love
From the alleged creator
For if the only source of understanding
On what love really is
My family
My father
My friends
My church
The person I love
If that’s love
I’m not loved at all
All that I have believed in are lies
There’s no truth in my life
Nor love
Thus, I die.

18112000

Despite the Irony 28 April 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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The emptiness seems to fill me
The sadness seems to make me happy
The loneliness seems to comfort me
The irony of life seems to work for me

Is God empty?
Instead, He is the meaning
Does God bring sadness?
Instead, He brings happiness
If God is there, am I ever lonely?
He is omnipresent

God has brought me this far in life.
It may not always be happy
But He’s always there to comfort me.
He is life. Despite the irony.

08.11.2000

Learning to breathe 14 April 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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Sophia sits quietly on the curb, smoking a cigarette. It was middle of the night and the somewhat full moon lights up the already star-filled sky. She was alone on the street where her house stood, drinking in the solace that that moment offered her. Perhaps she is not alone, her thoughts accompany her. Memories and dreams filled her mind. She thought of spending the remaining days of her life just counting the stars. It is her time to waste anyway. But will it really be such a waste? Stars and the moon hold a certain magic in them, she thought to herself. After all, people who lived and died before her time had relied their destiny to the stars.

Sophia is nearing her end of life’s road. She just came from the hospital that afternoon where she learned of her fate. She is to die of leukemia. What is the big deal about death anyway? Everyone is heading that direction, too. Though, she knew she just got ahead of the line that’s all. She ponders on how she had lived her life. She thought of how many moons she had seen, how many places she has been to, and how many people she has come across. This is what they say that happens at the end of your life, seeing your life flash before your eyes, seeing that you have realized all your dreams… no more regrets. However, it has been said that it happens in a blur and in the moment right before you die. But in her case, it started when the doctor told her that she’s dying.

Sophia feels physically weak but strong enough to face what lies ahead. Seemingly like a torture but claims that this is what makes life beautiful. The words, Carpi Diem finally sinks in. It’s like the curtain has been lifted from her eyes and she is beginning to see a different world.

Now, she understands why she was made to be this way. She endured a lot of pain and drowned in the currents of love in the manner that life had packaged it. She is who she is because this is her destiny.

“And man has only one destiny, right?” Sophia asked the sky.

She then stood up and extended her arms up to the midnight sky then closed her eyes.

Sophia smiled as a thought dawned on her, “It is only now that I’m learning to breathe…”

Staring at the Heavens 10 April 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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my cries are muted by the role i must play.
my longings are subdued by the shame of wanting.
grey days stretch as far as time wills it.
barefooted, i walk, falteringly, reaching out.
dark skies beckon my suppressed anger.
drops of rain mask the tears.
thunder drowns out the cries from my lips.
see the blood on my hands that no amount of washing can ever remove.
the gods have turned their faces away.
refusing to acknowledge my plea.
a mere glimpse of the sun is all i ask, in this lifetime or the next.
in exchange, i offer a life lived in solitude.
alone but grateful for having lived.

Just between the two of us 4 April 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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She can feel the steam coming out of her skin. She was trapped in a boxed space to face her demons. With clenched fists, she prepares herself for a blow. Trickles of perspiration run down her back. She quickly wipes off beads of sweat from her brow. She knew she shouldn’t miss. She takes a swing at him. Her fist lands on something solid. It hurt but it felt good, too. It released pent up anger, which she had kept hidden from him. She shifts her weight alternately from left to right as she delivered straight punches, which she then ended with an upper cut. She was at this for more than 20 minutes now. She meant to put him down for good.

“I’m not stupid. A little naive but not stupid.” She screamed silently. “Go to hell, you bastard!”

There were occasional “asshole-s” and “jerk-s” thrown in between punches the entire time. Then she throws a final jab. She stops and lowers her arms, breathing heavily. You can still see the tension in her shoulders, which can also be translated to her saying “leave me alone.” And looking closely, you couldn’t distinguish the tears from the perspiration but she was crying.

The pain she had stored deep within are now numbed by throbbing and blistered hands. With all the anger gone from her eyes, she takes off her gloves and starts to relax her clenched jaw. She then leaves the room with a swinging punching bag behind. Looks back and says, “it’s just between the two of us.” before letting the door close after her then walks away.

Finding Shelby 10 March 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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Sophia runs her fingers over the shiny candle apple red side panel of a 1966 Shelby GT350 Mustang. She admired the car from afar before daring herself to come for a closer look. She has been dreaming about driving a car like that, owning a car like that.

The keys were in the ignition, beckoning her to take him for a spin. Yes, him. She always thought that a car like that is never anything but masculine. All her cars have always had guy’s names. And this one’s no exception. A muscle car. A powerful machine and he’s here all accommodating. It felt like the car was even flirting with her, seemingly saying, “I’ve been dreaming about you, too. You and I belong together.”

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Fallen Knight 2 March 2006

Posted by Sasha in Sophia's Writings.
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He is a knight belonging to the lineage of Apokryphos. He comes from the abyss. He stands on this world to stalk the tempest, to ascend to his throne. A sword and steed as his only companion. His gift was power… and the road.

He came to this world in solitude. And has continued to live a life in such state. He faced a lot of tribulations that no mortal could ever survive. Battling the demons that took away the very light he now seeks.

He acquired all wisdom he could, to strengthen his mind. He willed his flesh to obey his commands. He can even command the skies. He has become one with the universe… as it is one with him. But with great power comes sacrifice. He shall be tested again and again until his last breath.

He chose the road that he knew would save his existence. He walks the road of darkness. For eons, he wanders in it alone. In all the corners of this land he seeks the light… a reason for hope. An end to chaos. The utter destruction of the very kingdom he lives in.

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