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I don’t wanna be scared anymore… 27 November 2004

Posted by Sasha in Mood Notes, The Rambler.
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scaredI’m scared…

Yes, I am.

You may ask, “now?” And I’ll answer, “yes.”

I really don’t understand why I get scared. I can’t seem to shake it off… I try to write down my fears but I can’t seem to put them into words. It’s not the kind of fear in which you may think I am scared of life… rather it’s the kind of fear that’s similar to a child’s. Monsters in the closet. Boogey Man. Ghosts. [catch my drift?]

Yea. It’s understandable that you would laugh. But this is no joke. Right now, as I write, I am scared. I am so tired and wanting to sleep, but i can’t rest nor sleep. I am truly bothered.

Sometimes, I feel like crying cuz I’m really scared. I find myself shaking. I’m afraid to close my eyes. I’m wanting to move yet afraid to. And yes, I don’t turn off the lights.

My sister knows of this fear that I have. I thought I had gotten over it. But apparently, it’s still in me. Tis intensified. I am not sure what triggered this fear for it to resurface… Honestly, I don’t wanna be scared anymore.

What is happening to me?

I shared this fear to a friend of mine. He constantly reassures me that I’ll be alright. That I’m in good hands. Somehow, I do believe him. Yet I still feel scared even if I think of the truth.

I feel safe with the knowledge that people are around [and hopefully are awake] around the house. But if I know that I’m the only one who’s up… you know what happens.

It’s frustrating to think that I’m in a house I grew up in. And I think I’m too old to feel and react this way. I’m only trying to understand that’s why I’m trying to write about it now.

One example is at exactly 3 a.m. our dogs will start to bark at something. It’s the kind that they seem angry at something. And sometimes they even howl. There are times that I feel a tingle in my spine during this hour, may it be that I am in front of the computer or the TV or I’m in my room. It has been like this ever since I got back. So that’s already around 4 months. This is just one of the things that has been happening. Not to mention what my brother told me that he experienced. He retracted, though, saying twas just his imagination.

I can’t explain what it is. I don’t even wanna think about it.

What is real and what is not? Who can hurt me and who cannot? What am I really afraid of? Who am I really afraid of?

Am I one of the people who are like this? Is this normal? Why can’t people understand what I’m going through? Do I need them to understand?

Perhaps I want them to believe me cuz I need their help so I won’t be scared anymore.

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destiny, dreams, illusions 23 November 2004

Posted by Sasha in Mood Notes, Philosophy & Paradox, The Brooder.
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what is my destiny..?

i’ve been searching for clues… deciphering signs… knowing and cultivating my talents… and yet i still ask, “what will become of it?” does anyone really know what they’re meant to do? or are they merely making do with what they have? is there a specific point that you’ll reach in your life where you’d come to a realisation of that elusive destiny?

“to realise one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation.”

what of other factors? are they considered trivial? or add-ons? or luxury?

i know what i wanna do but unlike everything else, time is an integral part. some stumble into the actual dream that i have, without any real interest or passion, so they end up wasting it. and yet here am i, dying to get a piece of it, if only the forces would allow me… that they’d give me that ONE chance to show them my passion for it… what i can actually do…

my problem is NOT indecisiveness.

but being someone who knows what she wants and who’s not willing to sell herself short of the dream.

PERFECTIONIST. ALL-or-nothing kind. seems impressive yet some mistake it for mere confidence or arrogance. and i have seen it as a hindrance now.

i already know what i want to do… so is that realising my destiny? if it is, then i have done or fulfilled my obligation, haven’t i? but somehow i know i haven’t fully realised my dream cuz it hasn’t happened yet.

a random thought 19 November 2004

Posted by Sasha in Philosophy & Paradox, Quotes, The Brooder.
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“conscience makes cowards of us all”

wonderments, thoughts, etc. 9 November 2004

Posted by Sasha in Dating & Relationships, Mood Notes, Philosophy & Paradox, The Brooder.
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“In the changing times, they were like autumn lightning, a thing out of season, an empty promise of rain that would fall unheeded on fields already bare.”
shosaburo abe, on the meiji-era samurai

“The wind is blowing… to which direction, I still don’t know. My sail has caught it and around I go. I try to control the wheel — navigate my ship to where I want to go but I’m over-powered by the sheer intensity. I had to let go. I was heading west but now I find myself facing east… where the new tide is taking me. Thinking of what kind of adventures await me, as i watch my ship sail towards the rising sun.” [autumnsky, “Changing Tides”, 01152003]

se montrer a la hauteur d’un defi

monsieur musicien et artiste pour vous etes sucre…

monsieur musicien et artiste pour vous n’etes sucre moi…

la soleil et le minuit se reunir