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I don’t wanna be scared anymore… 27 November 2004

Posted by Sasha in Mood Notes, The Rambler.

scaredI’m scared…

Yes, I am.

You may ask, “now?” And I’ll answer, “yes.”

I really don’t understand why I get scared. I can’t seem to shake it off… I try to write down my fears but I can’t seem to put them into words. It’s not the kind of fear in which you may think I am scared of life… rather it’s the kind of fear that’s similar to a child’s. Monsters in the closet. Boogey Man. Ghosts. [catch my drift?]

Yea. It’s understandable that you would laugh. But this is no joke. Right now, as I write, I am scared. I am so tired and wanting to sleep, but i can’t rest nor sleep. I am truly bothered.

Sometimes, I feel like crying cuz I’m really scared. I find myself shaking. I’m afraid to close my eyes. I’m wanting to move yet afraid to. And yes, I don’t turn off the lights.

My sister knows of this fear that I have. I thought I had gotten over it. But apparently, it’s still in me. Tis intensified. I am not sure what triggered this fear for it to resurface… Honestly, I don’t wanna be scared anymore.

What is happening to me?

I shared this fear to a friend of mine. He constantly reassures me that I’ll be alright. That I’m in good hands. Somehow, I do believe him. Yet I still feel scared even if I think of the truth.

I feel safe with the knowledge that people are around [and hopefully are awake] around the house. But if I know that I’m the only one who’s up… you know what happens.

It’s frustrating to think that I’m in a house I grew up in. And I think I’m too old to feel and react this way. I’m only trying to understand that’s why I’m trying to write about it now.

One example is at exactly 3 a.m. our dogs will start to bark at something. It’s the kind that they seem angry at something. And sometimes they even howl. There are times that I feel a tingle in my spine during this hour, may it be that I am in front of the computer or the TV or I’m in my room. It has been like this ever since I got back. So that’s already around 4 months. This is just one of the things that has been happening. Not to mention what my brother told me that he experienced. He retracted, though, saying twas just his imagination.

I can’t explain what it is. I don’t even wanna think about it.

What is real and what is not? Who can hurt me and who cannot? What am I really afraid of? Who am I really afraid of?

Am I one of the people who are like this? Is this normal? Why can’t people understand what I’m going through? Do I need them to understand?

Perhaps I want them to believe me cuz I need their help so I won’t be scared anymore.



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