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Taking a deep, deep breath 5 June 2006

Posted by Sasha in Mood Notes, The Brooder.
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If I let go of all the anger in me, I’m afraid to face what’s left. Who will I turn out to be? Thoughts like these never cease to plague me, which brings me to conclude that I may just not change.

A dear friend has seen and heard almost everything about me. She has seen the blackest side of me and the vulnerable side, too. I know how much she wishes I’d just drop whatever I’m holding on to so I can continue with the rest of my life but she knows how stubborn I am. I’m resolute to living through mistakes and face the meanest thing that life may bring my way head on. It seems stupid. I know.

Does that make me brave and strong? Admittedly, I think I’m just too scared to face disappointment so I’d rather have the lowest of expectations than the grandest of hopes. Call me stupid. Again.

It’s funny how I snap at the slightest sign of shady behaviour. I guess I’ve grown way too suspicious of people I know, old and new. Like I’m a good judge of character! Duh.

But I do wonder what lies beyond the anger. This moment clearly gives you a taste of the many times I’ve thought about the ‘what-ifs’ and the ‘should-i’ questions. I’m still searching for a hint of the ‘what’s in it for me’ thingie that the surefooted me expects.

I’m thinking of giving it a try, trashing that expectation and just winging it. Will I land on both feet once I do decide to jump? Will I like who I’d become once I find myself there? It’s quite an obvious answer for most but hell, it’s easier if you’re not in my shoes; if you didn’t go through what I went through.

It’s difficult. I don’t know how I can understand, forgive and love someone whom I’ve loathed for a long time. How can I forget all the things that broke my heart and spirit? How can I unlearn the cold, hard truths of filial, platonic, and romantic relationships? How can I accept the role I have to play as I go on living life as a girl learning to be a woman?

I always feel I’m late for this life. My life.

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Comments»

1. DJ Jerome - 11 June 2006

sha. everything ok? the clouds that are hovering in your mind, have the clouds settled yet n dissappeared? clouds are never permanent right?
theres rain, hail, hot days n bright sunny days… be positive..

2. theparody - 14 June 2006

I’ll be fine. Thanks for asking, Jay.

3. Kharen - 14 June 2006

Sasha,

Thanks for that heartfelt piece.

You go on and feel all these feelings: anger, hatred, disappointment, discontent. Yep, just feel them all, soak yourself in it, live and breath it for a while. Just be done with it.

But be sure to shake yourself out of it when your finished. Go on live life again. Life is truly beautiful! It takes effort to see it but when you do you’ll feel glorious and victorious.

And NO — you are not late for this life. You’re young, everything is ahead of you. I’ve been through this hard time so Im speaking from experience.

It passes — that I can assure you. THIS TOO WILL PASS.

Kharen

4. theparody - 15 June 2006

I actually see the beauty if life and all of God’s creation, Kharen. Often times, I find myself awe-struck, really.

I do know all things pass, it’s just a question of time.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. It’s much appreciated.


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